Before I believed in Christ, I lived my life in a very stubborn and arrogant way. When I communicated with people, I looked at things from my own viewpoint and failed to put away this kind of behavior, so most of the time, there was a problem. Because of this problem, I have lived a very painful life.

Of course, like normal people, I, too, experienced happiness in my life, but very seldom. When I finished something, easy or hard, I felt self-satisfaction, but I never gave any glory to God.

I tried my best to do well during work or while I spent time with other people, and I just wished the people that cared for me would understand me better and accept me for who I was.

For many years, all my efforts and expectations only made me feel worse.

I think feeling is very important, but when I look back at my past, I realize that after all those years of hard work, the only fruit that grew from this was a rotten berry.

My relationships with other people never got very firm, even though I tried very hard to mend them. The truth, though very weird, is that the harder I tried, the worse the relationships got.

There weren’t a lot of people that I had problems with, but there were more than a few. Included in this group were mostly my relatives, such as my mother, my wife, two sons, brothers-in-law, and their wives, all of whom I have known for over 10 years, unlike the people at work that I had problems with.

I can't believe that all these years I had been trying to develop good relationships with other people, but after all that I had done, things became worse.

What I focused on most though, was the difference between good and evil. Because of my relationship with other people and my view on good and evil, my behavior was usually fairly far from what I set out for myself to do.

No matter how hard I tried to get rid of the negative feelings I have towards others or the feeling of injustice, every time I tried, there was something in the way, meaning I failed. Because of all this, I always had the feeling that I needed revenge.

In the quietness of night, I asked myself, “Is the ‘me’ I see in front of me really ‘me’?” I really couldn't believe that my psychological experience represented the evil one in fictional stories. With the problems of my anger, evilness, injustice, jealousy, and boasting, I cancelled out all of my good intentions. This was an important cause of the breaking up of everything I was involved in.

The “me” at that time could pretty much be referred to in Romans 7:18 in the Bible: “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

Woe was me! I was a failing person both on the inside and on the outside, not even being able to accept myself for who I was. What goals could I set for myself? What path should I follow?

Even though I was still “living”, my spirit had been dead for a long time already. I might as well have been dead!

Just when my family and I were at the extremes of views, and I didn't even know if there would be a tomorrow, God came and guided me, the lost sheep, back to the path.

Just then, my neighbor Hugh Mark learned from the doctor that he had throat cancer and he asked if I could bring him to the hospital, as he couldn't drive with his illness and his wife does not drive. Not knowing what else to do, I accepted.

Because of this little help I gave my neighbor, we became friends. For the first time I was invited to his house as a guest, and yet at that time we had known each other for 3 years already.

No matter where we lived, it was usually the same, we become less secure as we knew people better. With Christians it was the same, but they tended to have fewer barriers to start with.

The second time I visited Hugh, there was someone else there. It was another of my neighbors, Mr. Chiu. Though it was only our first time meeting, once again, we had a very long talk with each other. I discovered that Mr. Chiu and his son had problems with each other earlier, and that his family had been in a chaotic situation, and that no doctor was able to assist his son (he had mental health problems), but after his older sister, Yvonne, brought him to the church, while constantly sharing the gospel with him, he forgave everybody he ever hated and said, “God, our Savior, wanted me to forgive you.” If a problem like that could be changed, then I was sure that this “God” that they spoke of could help us with our family problem too.

At that time, I was very interested in the church, but I just wanted the problem solved. I didn't really think about God. And because Mr. Chiu invited me to go to church with him, I accepted.

The first time my family and I went to OCAC (Ottawa Chinese Alliance Church), we went to the Chinese Worship. I was sitting in the sanctuary, with a feeling of peace flowing through my body. It was so quiet that I could hear my own thoughts echo in my mind.

But, even though I liked the worship a fair bit, I still couldn't believe that it was God that granted me this favor. In regard to this, I didn't go to church the following Sunday. Now when I look back, I am thankful that Mr. Chiu and Mr. Kong, another person from church, were caring towards my family, and invited us to the worship once again. If they had never invited us again, maybe we wouldn't have gone.

So, on the following Sunday, we went to worship again. This time, though, I was sure that it was God that granted us this favor and I am grateful he allowed me to feel peace and happiness. After that, my wife and I even joined the Sunday School, directed by Mr. Kong.

Within a short period of time, my wife and I joined and participated in many church events, and because of that we can now understand God, our Saviour, many times better than we had managed to before. Another factor of this might be because of Mr. Kong and the speakers at church, each answering some of the questions in my mind. Because of all the help we have received from certain individuals, and how God used other people to answer my questions, I couldn't reject God as I had done before.

As I recall my past, I remember how when I was little, I attended a Catholic school. I had so many chances to learn from the Bible, but I just listening to the parables because I liked the parables, and not because I wanted to learn from them. But even though I didn't try to learn from the Bible, I already experienced this feeling that God loves us and cares for us.

I had seen many different religions by then, especially Catholics, but the Catholics close to me were nothing close to what I imagined them to be. They were always boasting, and they were almost never serious.

After I grew up, I had already had over 20 years of looking around and surveying the people around me. I didn't know how to search for God, and instead, I started to walk another path, the path where I relied on myself and took pride in myself. Of course, everything became a mess for me. Thank God that He didn't give up on me and turned me around instead so I would be walking towards Him.

After my wife and I started to follow God again, our family started to experience hope again, and where we needed a miracle to make the situation better, we got a miracle!

Because I experienced miracles from God myself and because I was sure that this was the real God, in the next cell group, I asked many, many questions. After listening to answers and understanding about my own sins, I finally accepted God as my Savior.

What was most surprising to me was that my wife, after many years of worshiping idols, very readily replied to me that she would become a Christian too. That was another miracle given to me by God. So, we got Mr. Kong to help us with prayer to become Christians. After we became Christians, we never prayed to God for His powers to help us in an earthly wish anymore.

Being a Christian, I truly believe that Jesus has conquered death, and that I now have the Holy Spirit helping and guiding me to do things that I never could have done myself.

The most amazing thing is, I always tried to forgive other people for their bad deeds towards me, but it always ends up in situations where I could not forgive anymore. But now, with the Holy Spirit, I can forgive others easier than before.

To forgive always meant to me that I was giving up, that I was allowing the other person get the better of me. It meant that I had to bring myself to harm.

Since I became a Christian, God has allowed me to see what the true meaning of love is and to understand that when I forgive other people, the one that gets the best of it is me. Every time I forgive, I can easily erase that person's bad things against me, so I can go on with my day without having to think about him/her for the rest of the day with agony. Without the feeling of injustice, I can feel peace and happiness.

In the past few weeks, once again with the help of the Holy Spirit, I have been able to break down the barriers between me and my wife, my sons, and my brothers-in-law. These things, that were once so hard, I was able to complete with the help of God very easily. I believe this is because God cleared the obstacles in the way for me and granted me passage to this path.

After breaking down the barriers, I felt even more love, peace, and happiness. Isn't this a better way to live life?

Now, I am able to find my life-long goal in my belief. This, is to practice God's word from the Bible everyday, hoping that one day, I can become God's loyal and faithful servant and disciple. I wish to be part of God's future plans, and that I can glorify God with my past, present and future.

I thank God for blessing my whole family. My two sons, in the following weeks, accepted God as their Savior one after the other, and are relying on God for the future. I hope that the many people who are still lost out there will find their way to God someday, and that they will be blessed by God like my family has been.

Night of March 23rd, 2001.